


summer melancholy

by mochamoch



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Unrequited Crush, first fic so go easy on me, school is only mentioned, the ending isn’t the happiest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:45:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochamoch/pseuds/mochamoch
Summary: Their little world is changing and Jihoon doesn’t know how to feel about it.





	summer melancholy

**Author's Note:**

> I based this little story after a conversation with a friend (who I don’t have any feelings for, I just found their question weird), when the weather was hot and surreal. If you want, listen to Barnes Blvd - Intro! It was a song I listened to non-stop while writing this and I think it really fits! So if my writing can’t convey the proper ambiance then give it a quick listen as you read!  
> (This is my first fic I’ve decided to share and I’ve been stressing over it all week...so apologies for the mediocrity!)

Jihoon thought it was great.

The streets had settled into a silence, gentle, like a blanket, as the sun was bidding goodbye behind cotton clouds. It’s gingerly soft. A little subdued.

Had it not been for the crows that would swoop down and land on a deserted bench, or the low hum of a car that would drive by and sang with mellow tone, that proof of anyone else existing even remained. For if it weren’t for the rare passerby of someone walking down the streets with little care for the world, or the sway of ‘We’re Closed’ signs on shut doors, reminding Jihoon that for the place to intend on opening again it had to have a person flip it over.

Without it all, how else could he tell that anyone else existed? Lived in the houses down the road, ran the shops, and cared for the flowers that bloomed with pride at every road?

Because here he was, walking beside someone he cared about a lot, and it felt as though the pavement they stepped upon, the fresh air they’d breathe, and the trees that hung overhead with their branches outstretched, all belonged to their own world. 

Jihoon thought it was great. He was very happy. 

But when he heard his friend speak, and funny as it was because it wasn’t cruel in any matter—really, Jihoon thought, there was nothing but good intent—he felt their world tremble just the slightest. 

Jihoon found the question to be unexpected. A little surreal. 

“So . . . Have you found anyone yet?” Jihoon already didn’t like the implication. “Any guys?”

And Jihoon’s heart froze at that. Stopped. Dropped to his stomach. Did everything that caused Jihoon to wince. Because, oh, right. Silly him. Soonyoung knew now.

Jihoon had half the brain to laugh. It was kind of a stupid question. Jihoon never had any experience with dating—not even with girls when he lived under the same basic expectations of everyone else—only up until recently. However now isn’t any different. Just because he knew what he liked didn’t mean dating would come easier than it did before. Soonyoung knew that. He knew that dating was just something Jihoon didn’t care about in general. So why ask the question now? 

It was a little stupid. But just because it’s dumb didn’t mean Jihoon could just ignore it. 

Their world shivered as though under the cold of midnight winds. 

“Of course not,” Jihoon stuffed his hands in his pockets, having no where else to place them. “I don’t have time for dating.”

“No time?” Soonyoung threw his head back and looked towards the sky, only turning his face back to Jihoon when he decided to fill his pause with a smile. “Or you don’t want to _make_ time?”

Well, Jihoon thought. As dumb, dumb, dumb as it was, he wasn’t completely incorrect. Which was the thing about him. He never was. 

“There’s two weeks before school starts.” Soonyoung grimaced at mere mention, to which Jihoon could only laugh. “I can’t start some relationship now. To have it last for two months just for it to end like any other high school relationship. A text goodbye with dry eyes and what not.” 

Soonyoung’s face flashed over with a look. He kicked a pebble with the toe of his sneaker, punting at it until it vanished within the walls of some bush. 

“That’s a negative way of thinking,” he said. “I can’t say out of experience, but it’s fun . . . shouldn’t it be? High school flings aren’t supposed to last. They’re just for . . . fun, y’know?”

“Well,” Jihoon pursed his lips, “why put time into something, someone else, when I know it won’t last?”

Soonyoung’s gait shifted into something different. It used to be springy, and matched with Jihoon’s, a little hop with each step he took. It slowed down. Jihoon eventually slowed down too.

As of lately the weather had been fairly forgiving. What used to make up days of endless sun rays, and ever persistent humidity staying behind even in the cool shadows of the night, was now finally toning itself down. The sun was still its unrelenting shade of red that casted beams of stark orange instead of its usual yellow, and the humidity, whilst not as continuous nor strong, still tend to linger throughout the day. 

But, summer was cleaning up and getting ready to take its leave. Things were changing. 

The clouds were pretty. Bodies of foggy blue with under bellies of pink that appeared almost edible. It’d be nice to take a picture. 

“What if it was for experience?” 

Jihoon blinked. It was out of the blue. He didn’t even know what Soonyoung was talking about. 

Soonyoung stopped walking in front of a store. It was a music shop. The window displays were filled with various acoustic guitars and ukuleles, all different colours and designs. Jihoon had been in there before. He’d been in there a lot. Never to buy, as everything was too expensive, but he liked to go inside to admire their keyboards. 

Soonyoung was looking at it with eyes that Jihoon could only internally admit to making. They were full and wondrous.

Even with wearing his utmost casual clothes, his friend could still manage to look pretty. He was handsome, he was beautiful, by God Jihoon thought he was ethereal at times. But he found that pretty suited him the best.

And again, Jihoon blinked. “What do you mean experience?”

Soonyoung was still looking at the shop when he responded.  
“I mean what if you were dating someone to get a feel for it. Just to know what it’s like. So for your first real relationship you wouldn’t be completely clueless.”

Well. He had a point. 

“I dunno,” Jihoon mumbled. “We’re young and we have time to figure things out as we go. Does it really matter to have experience now?”

Soonyoung squirmed before turning around, offering a weak shrug. “Maybe? No? I don’t know. What if you were given the opportunity?” 

A dog walker passed by, giving an amiable nod as he shared eye contact with Jihoon, continuing to trot along the pathway with his corgi. Normally Soonyoung would’ve dropped whatever he was doing to stop the fellow and grace his dog of wonderful pets, sneaking in a question of what the animal’s name was or how old they were. But to Jihoon’s surprise he spared no glance to the dog. Which was strange, as Soonyoung especially liked corgis. 

“What if someone liked you and wanted to see how it’d be like to date you?” Soonyoung continued after the guy had left earshot. “Would you say yes to it?”

He was being weirdly persistent. He was usually weird, Jihoon mused, but missing an open chance to pet a dog was different. Unexpected. 

“No one likes me though—“

“But what if someone did, Jihoon? Would you give them the pleasure of texting goodnights and going on stupid dates, even with the knowledge that whatever you guys might be is completely temporary?” 

The wind passed by them, weaving between their legs past bare skin underneath shorts. It’s cooling, with humidity causing fabric to stick to skin, even with just the thinnest layer of sweat. It’s far from cold. It’s pleasant really. And yet there are shivers running down his spine. Jihoon had a sneaking suspicion it had nothing to do with the subtle breeze. 

Soonyoung was standing, hands dangling at his sides. His hair was messy, as it always was, and stuck to his forehead in a slightly matted clump. He tend to sweat easily.  
His eyes were as big as they were when he faced the instruments, but with him staring right at Jihoon, they didn’t look quite as endearingly innocent. They’re glazed over. Jihoon couldn’t tell if he was either paying no attention at all to what the world had to offer, or if it was just simply directed towards Jihoon’s awaited answer to his too big of a question. 

Either way there was a definite pause. An elongated wait. 

If he were to give a straightforward answer, then it would be yes, absolutely. Jihoon had imagined and daydreamed more than he would like to admit of what it would be like to have someone to depend on, on such a deeply emotional level. Or the little things, of shopping for gifts, baking with each other, and watching dumb movies. To just have a taste of that, the smallest sample, would make him happy. In fact, Jihoon had thought about it way too often despite his rather conclusive mindset.  
But to answer yes, Jihoon already knew what Soonyoung’s next response would be. 

_“Have you ever thought about someone specifically?”_

And how could Jihoon give a reply to a question like that? 

The wind continued to sweep by. Their world, small and personal, suddenly felt remarkably big. It’s empty almost. The streets they walked just minutes ago, what used to be additional places to put their feet, as everything belonged to them, now just felt like space waiting to be filled by other people. People who weren’t each other. Strangers. 

The streets were empty.

Jihoon didn’t know how to answer. But he tried his best anyway. 

“It depends . . .” Jihoon mumbled. “If I really like them I’ll give it a go. Why not, right? It’ll be casual, and I’m guessing we’ll be close friends beforehand too. The most that would change is just the label I’m assuming. And hand holding, I guess. I dunno.” He finished his thought rather messily, but he figured he got his point across. 

Soonyoung stepped closer. “Holding hands? You don’t even like it when I put my arm on your shoulder.”

What? This wasn’t the reply he was expecting. Why did it feel so accusatory? 

“Yeah, well,” Jihoon threw his hands up and gave a shrug, “you’re different. I’m not dating you am I? Why would I hold hands with you?” 

Although he would very much like to. 

“Friends can hold each other’s hands.”

“They can but _we_ don’t.” 

“Then why don’t we?” 

Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows. Soonyoung was getting increasingly more bothered with each word he spoke and Jihoon didn’t even know why.  
His gaze was still cloudy. As if he couldn’t see properly. 

“Why does it matter?” Jihoon inquired. “You don’t even like—“

_Me?_

Ah, yes. Even just thinking it made Jihoon want to shut up and run away. Because it kind of sucked. 

For their world was always empty when he thought about it. It was never theirs in the first place. There was always going to be strangers roaming around and in between them. Always some sense of space where they stood from each other. Other people existed. Jihoon couldn’t be selfish for his entire life. 

So yes. Soonyoung did not like Jihoon in a way that he wanted him to. Or, of course, guys for that matter. 

Keeping secrets away from him was a little selfish. But then again their friendship as it was now made Jihoon feel happy. He didn’t like doing so, and he will tell him soon enough, he promised himself that, but for now there’s no real reason to change anything. Because now was good. It was normal. Like it always been. 

“What? I don’t like what?”

So while not completely, Jihoon kept his mouth shut.

“Guys.”

He looked down at his feet and played with the hem of his shirt. Oh. There seemed to be dirt on it. He swatted a hand at it, trying to brush it off, but it seemed determined to stick to the cotton weave. 

“It’s just—why would you hold hands with a guy, right?” Jihoon blurted. He choked out a laugh that even to his own ears sounded painfully hollow. “It’s _weird_. Just because I happen to like guys doesn’t make it normal. You don’t want to hold hands with someone like me. Isn’t that gross?”

Jihoon was still looking at the ground, but he could see Soonyoung’s feet ahead of his. They’re close. Jihoon could feel his eyes on the crown of his head, and hear the soft, slowed breaths that felt calming, and yet, had Jihoon stiffening with rigid tension. 

It was so quiet. So faint. If the wind was strong enough it would take his voice away, steal it from his lips and whisk into the sky, far, far away from where the world sat. 

“Do you really think that’s how I see you?”

And suddenly there was an embrace. It was warm and tight, and even though they were in the deserted streets of downtown, Jihoon felt as though he were home. He felt his limbs go limp, and it wasn’t until he looked up and was greeted with blurred instruments within the shop, that Jihoon realized _Oh. I’m crying._

And he let himself for a while. He closed his eyes and worked on steadying his breath, but he didn’t have to work too hard with Soonyoung’s arms wrapped around him. 

“I thought we already went through this,” he mumbled past the crook of his neck. It was into the air behind Jihoon, but he felt it directly on his skin. “I don’t care if you like boys, or girls, or if you like both, or neither. I like you for you, Jihoon. Who you happen to like doesn’t matter to me. I want to hug you and hold your hand. That’s how I show my love, by being physically affectionate. Just because we’re only friends doesn’t mean I’m gonna change that about myself. I _want_ to hug you. I _want_ to hold your hand.” Jihoon clutched a ball of Soonyoung’s shirt fabric tight in his fists. “So please, if you’re okay with it, because know that _I_ am, let me.”

But Jihoon couldn’t say anything at the moment. His words were stuck in his throat and his eyes were dripping like running faucets. He just kept gripping Soonyoung’s shirt in hopes that maybe he’d get the memo. 

Because yeah. Jihoon was okay with it. More than okay. What he wouldn’t have given years ago to hold his hand and share tight embraces. Comfortably at that fact. What more to an already satisfactory friendship to Jihoon’s childish daydreams. 

Alas, all actions would be platonic.

It would feel nice; Soonyoung’s warm hands contrasting with his always cold ones. Or the quick pick me up of a hug because Soonyoung always knew whenever he was feeling upset. It would feel so, so nice.  
Although afterwards, with each connection they’d share, it would begin to kill him inside. Like a poison. A sweet, sweet poison. Because in the end that’s all it was, and most likely ever will be. 

Platonic. 

Insane. Jihoon was going to go insane. 

Their world was shrinking at the moment. The walls were enclosing and soon, ever so briefly, it’ll just be them again. But that moment will leave and flutter away past it all.

In mere seconds, just a few breaths, it will all be gone. Soon enough a door will form, and eventually one of them will decide to open it, maybe choosing to never step back inside again.  
But for now, just for a little bit, Jihoon wanted to feel the safety of their walls. Relish in comfort that Soonyoung would always bring him. For this was their little world. Soonyoung’s and Jihoon’s. 

And you know what? Jihoon didn’t care if it was all going to end in tear laden pillows, and clouds of sorrow, for that was where it was leading (inevitably so) because now, Jihoon felt happy. And happy he should feel until it all comes to a graced end. 

“Okay,” Jihoon breathed. “Let’s hold hands and hug each other whenever we want.”

“Thank you.”

“. . . I love you.”

“I love you too, Jihoonie.”

And ouch. It’s already starting to hurt.


End file.
